malzkenobi

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Some of my stuff is public, some is private for friends only.  To see more, you have to join Livejournal and be my friend  :)  Do eeeeet!!

"A spiritual harlot is someone who will compromise their spiritual convictions if the price is right...to be unfaithful to Jesus. The point is that it's not the size of the price that is the issue, it's whether or not there's a price at all." -Jay Stark

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I followed my nephew as he tried to escape the the yard; as soon as he realized I was taking him back into the house he pitched a fit! He struggled to get away but eventually we made it into the house. I put him down and he started crying louder throwing a tantrum. I held out my arms to him and he ran to me and let me hold and comfort him! I thought it strange that though I was the one who kept him from what he wanted, he ran to me to comfort him!

Very similar to my relationship with God. I fight and struggle with Him about certain issues and at the end I'm mad or upset about it...but who is always there to comfort me in the end? After it's all said and done and I can see the bigger picture, I realize why He pulled me away from the thing I desired. One of these days I'll learn this ahead of time. Not knowing the bigger picture drives me nuts, but as in every situation before I have to learn to trust God...He kinda knows what He's doing without my assistance! And He is always there to guide and comfort me through it all.

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"This also explains why women will get upset with their husbands without telling them why. In her mind she's thinking, 'I shouldn't have to spell it out for him. He should be able to look at the situation and see what's going on here.' At the same time, he's grieved because he can't read her mind and wonders why he's being punished for a crime he didn't know he committed..
...Love requires thoughtfulness--on both sides..
...A husband should listen to his wife and learn to be considerate of her unspoken messages. A wife should learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another."
(from "The Love Dare")

I should probably learn my half before I get married, eh? I KNOW I'm bad at this...lIke alot of women I'm sure.

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This was part of my "Language of Letting Go" devotion yesterday:

"God, help me begin to take healthy risks. Help me let go of my fear of failure, and help me let go of my fear of success. Help me let go of my fear of fully living my life, and help me start experiencing all parts of this journey."

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I need a change.

Mostly what my counselor and I have been talking about now is what I wanna do with my life as far as school and getting a degree. I'm in a rut! Having people around me whose lives are all changing makes me see it that much more! Maybe this is what I need to get off my butt!

I have a couple of options that I'm gonna be praying about so we'll see what happens!

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I need You like the rain
Come to me and sing again
I long for Your love so much
I've wanted Your pure touch

You are beautiful, beautiful
You're beautiful, beautiful
So beautiful, so beautiful

I need You to be here
Come to me, I can feel You near
I love You, You are my hope
You love me as Your own

Beautiful by Sam Lane


Had to blog...I'm so excited about the Lord lately!

I had a couple hard hits today and fell back into that despairing sort of attitude...I asked for my Lord's help this time (I've been doing that more lately...it's like I forget or something.../facepalm) and the situation itself hasn't changed but:
(from my journal)

I sing this song and mean it- because it is so beautiful, that even in the midst of my hurting- somehow You will make this right.  It will be right on time- exactly.  And I'll wonder why I freaked out so much.

And I KNOW this (in my heart, not just my head)!!  Thank You Lord!  This is Joy!

Was excited and wanted to share with whoever will listen - err, read...  :)

Am I Understood? by Relient K

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to You
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for Your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift You've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize You're all I'll ever need

You looked into my life and never stopped
And You're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And You recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see Your love, then turn my back and beg for You to go

You looked into my life and never stopped
And You're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And You recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that it's already Yours
And through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

You looked into my life and never stopped
And You're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And You recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation


Here's the video...sadly it's just the lyrics on the screen, but it's a wonderful love song!

^ ^ ^  Name that movie!  ^ ^ ^


Was this counseling visit 4?  5?  I don't know...anyways...

I have some great news...I'm feeling normal.

Counseling has really helped...if nothing but recommending some good books for me to read!  It's still like a newly healed wound though...starting to scar but still tender.  It helps talking about things too and not feeling like you have to take a side...it's going well  :)

One of the books she recommended was The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.  It's sort of like a daily devotional for co-dependents.  Which apparently I am...like way crazy.  It's a pretty amazing book!  God is teaching me through my counselor, family, friends, etc...  I'm learning as I go...like everybody does I guess.

I'm learning what I like, what I don't like.  I don't know why, but I've never felt I had permission to.  You know how you'll ask me what I want to do or where I want to go and I don't usually have an opinion?  Yeah...I'm learning how to have an opinion...and I still feel like you won't like what I want to do or if I give my opinion you won't feel like you can give your own opinion.  But I think that's just me imposing my thoughts into the picture- I should be able to give my opinion without worrying.

Someone once told me during a church service (Word of knowledge I believe) that God was saying "It's not selfish to dream" and that I may not even know what my dreams are...and you know what?  I don't!  I had absolutely no idea how that applied to me at the time but I see now I was so deep into that thought pattern or whatever that I couldn't see that it was true!  Like having your nose pressed up against the glass of a mirror...you can't see the whole picture.  So I'm learning what I do and don't like- not what I'm supposed to like, how things should be, or what other people think I am but how I really feel.  My friend Dale helped me start realizing this before I really understood it...hey from across the intarwebz/ocean Dale!

OH, another book she recommended (that I already owned but hadn't read yet...thanks Becky!) was Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.  It started off slow so that's why I never finished reading it...so I skipped around (lol, hey it worked!) and read a really neat chapter about boundaries and God...and boundaries with yourself.  Wow it just really made me think about my thought life...like even in my thoughts I do this!  Lying and/or denying things to myself and God about how I really feel.  I really really really recommend this book especially...for anyone and everyone even if only to read the "Boundaries and yourself" and "Boundaries and God" chapters.

Remember that quote from Second Chances I posted like every other day and had on FB:
"Until she can accept that, she cannot play the queen of hearts."

Well there it is if you don't  :P  Well, I took that down recently and hope to be able to keep it down.

I'm also reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan- another awesome book!  Timothy was reading it too and we were gonna discuss it but we haven't done that yet.

Everytime I go into a bookstore, I buy a book or have to try really hard to convince myself to read the books I already have.

Anyways, that's what's going on in general...specifics would take too long and it's after midnight and I'm turning into a pumpkin...

So good night all!

Love this song:

So I know this is just the devil trying to knock me down (which ain't gonna work- God's got this!), but I really really need to rant about this here...

12/3/09- I wrote about my insurance issue that week after I started budgeting closely...that was my fault
12/10/09- Catching up with my mess from the week before
12/17/09- I wrote about issues with getting paid for babysitting and issues with vacation hours for my Christmas shopping
12/23/09- 1. Check went in today instead of Friday (where I wouldn't get it till Monday)- Thank God (okay that part isn't a rant- that's awesomeness...thank You, Lord)! 
2. Got a phone call from someone at the church saying 2 of my tithe checks bounced...lolwhut?  Absolutely no reason this happened.  I guess I'll bring the cash tonight as the money is still in my account...because I'm budgeting it's still there!!  (I know I shouldn't be surprised at this...but it's exciting to me that money is there when it's supposed to be!  :)  ) 
3. Got a letter today from my counselor's office saying that I owed them money...the check I wrote them bounced because "Check returned unpaid from the bank.  Account closed."  Umm...seriously...this is one of those WTF moments...
4. I was just at the bank 2 hours ago and asked them about checks that hadn't gone through yet and they saw no reason why they shouldn't and also said there hadn't been any to come through yet.


I JUST got checks for this account...I've had it almost 2 years and didn't want/need checks at the time...so I just got them like at the beginning of the month.  I've written 4 checks...3 to the church and 1 to the counselor.  3/4 bounced (the other one hasn't had a chance to yet...).

Apparently my account is closed?  Well I was just there today...I withdrew some money from this imaginary account...my pay check is direct deposited into this imaginary account every week...yeah, it's there, I promise...

I guess I have some phone calls/trips to make on Monday when everything opens back up...

I am sooooo upset right now...it's so embarrassing to have bounced checks...and for once in my life, there is absolutely no reason it's happening!!